Thursday, March 7, 2013

Jesus Loves Me....

Most of my blog entries are for myself and my family, but I will be posting this to a few close friends.

About 2 1/2 weeks ago I hit a spiritual brick wall. I'm not going to explain what exactly, but not the usual world issues, very much a me and God issue. It left me feeling unloved and not understanding what was going on. The close relationship I have had with God, especially over the last year, was shattered and half of me felt like walking away.

I am sorry to Karen for having to deal with my silence, not wanting to talk about it etc. and to Sarah, who may or may not have noticed her Dad was not his usual self. My thanks to Keith for his wise guidance and suggestions.

So why am I writing this blog entry. Well during this I realised that some of my friends were also struggling with their own issues and I am hoping a little of what I have learnt over the last couple of days may help them.

I was stuck in the endless loop of not wanting or being able to talk to God, because I felt he didn't love me etc. I didn't read my bible for 4 days, something I have loved doing with Bible In a Year. I eventually started my daily readings again, but couldn't engage with God. A bit like Tom Cruise in Top Gun, I made myself keep doing the daily reading, going to church etc. but still none of it was working. Normally I can think my way out of these situations, but I couldn't. I sought Keith's wise guidance, and I am sure he said many things, but the thing that struck me (and this is how I remember it not what he may have actually said) was about looking at God's love from a different viewpoint. Going back to the beginning and God loving me so much that he sent his son to die for me.

So today I went for a walk on the Ridgeway (it is just one place I can be alone and spend time with God). I shouted a bit, but I also just laid how I was feeling before him. I said I didn't understand, and today wasn't about understanding, but about getting our relationship back to where it should be. I realised how much God was part of my life, and that however much I hurt, I still wanted him there. I could not imaging life without him.

One of the things I did was listen to Peter Grieg's talk from New Wine last year, and whilst he talked about Hope (Romans 15:13) During the talk he has a story and the song in the story is this

Jesus loves me this I know
For the bible tells me so
Little ones to him belong
They are weak, but He is strong
Yes Jesus loves me!
Yes Jesus loves me!
Yes Jesus loves me!
The bible tells me so

Sing it to yourself. I make no apology if for the next few days it is going round in your head.

There were many moments like that today.

Are things back to where they were? No
Has it made all the hurt go away? No, but it is not as raw as it was
Are things heading in the right direction? Yes

I still don't know the why etc. about what caused the hurt, or understand it, and I know at some point I will need to delve into that.
What I do know though, is that no matter what, I want God to be at the centre of my life, and even when I don't feel it (or as I was doing feel the opposite) God does love me.

Telling God that I don't understand, and not trying to, accepting that that understanding will come later. Changing my perspective and focusing on the things I do know and understand. Going back to the basics of the Gospel message, that God loves me so much He sent His Son to die for me.

To my friends. I am sorry if I have not been around to talk. Or perhaps you have felt like me and not wanted to talk to someone as you felt your problem would make theirs worse. What I will say is that I am here if you want to talk.

To my body, I am sorry for making you walk 12 miles today when you are out of shape and not used to it, but the pain was worth it :)

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