Jesus Loves Me....

Most of my blog entries are for myself and my family, but I will be posting this to a few close friends.

About 2 1/2 weeks ago I hit a spiritual brick wall. I'm not going to explain what exactly, but not the usual world issues, very much a me and God issue. It left me feeling unloved and not understanding what was going on. The close relationship I have had with God, especially over the last year, was shattered and half of me felt like walking away.

I am sorry to Karen for having to deal with my silence, not wanting to talk about it etc. and to Sarah, who may or may not have noticed her Dad was not his usual self. My thanks to Keith for his wise guidance and suggestions.

So why am I writing this blog entry. Well during this I realised that some of my friends were also struggling with their own issues and I am hoping a little of what I have learnt over the last couple of days may help them.

I was stuck in the endless loop of not wanting or being able to talk to God, because I felt he didn't love me etc. I didn't read my bible for 4 days, something I have loved doing with Bible In a Year. I eventually started my daily readings again, but couldn't engage with God. A bit like Tom Cruise in Top Gun, I made myself keep doing the daily reading, going to church etc. but still none of it was working. Normally I can think my way out of these situations, but I couldn't. I sought Keith's wise guidance, and I am sure he said many things, but the thing that struck me (and this is how I remember it not what he may have actually said) was about looking at God's love from a different viewpoint. Going back to the beginning and God loving me so much that he sent his son to die for me.

So today I went for a walk on the Ridgeway (it is just one place I can be alone and spend time with God). I shouted a bit, but I also just laid how I was feeling before him. I said I didn't understand, and today wasn't about understanding, but about getting our relationship back to where it should be. I realised how much God was part of my life, and that however much I hurt, I still wanted him there. I could not imaging life without him.

One of the things I did was listen to Peter Grieg's talk from New Wine last year, and whilst he talked about Hope (Romans 15:13) During the talk he has a story and the song in the story is this

Jesus loves me this I know

For the bible tells me so

Little ones to him belong

They are weak, but He is strong

 

Yes Jesus loves me!

Yes Jesus loves me!

Yes Jesus loves me!

The bible tells me so

Sing it to yourself. I make no apology if for the next few days it is going round in your head.

There were many moments like that today.

Are things back to where they were? No
Has it made all the hurt go away? No, but it is not as raw as it was
Are things heading in the right direction? Yes

I still don't know the why etc. about what caused the hurt, or understand it, and I know at some point I will need to delve into that.
What I do know though, is that no matter what, I want God to be at the centre of my life, and even when I don't feel it (or as I was doing feel the opposite) God does love me.

Telling God that I don't understand, and not trying to, accepting that that understanding will come later. Changing my perspective and focusing on the things I do know and understand. Going back to the basics of the Gospel message, that God loves me so much He sent His Son to die for me.

To my friends. I am sorry if I have not been around to talk. Or perhaps you have felt like me and not wanted to talk to someone as you felt your problem would make theirs worse. What I will say is that I am here if you want to talk.

To my body, I am sorry for making you walk 12 miles today when you are out of shape and not used to it, but the pain was worth it :)

Intimacy with God

In some ways life has been tough over the last few months. Although I am very aware compared to some others, my life has been relatively easy. Being away so much of the last few months, feeling very tired, not knowing what I should be doing etc. etc. all add up.

So much as I could have spent today shopping, I didn't (sorry Karen, that means no diamonds!), instead I took time out to spend time with God. Something I have tried to do in recent years is to have a "quiet day" (albeit usually only 4-6 hours) once a term. But with being away etc. not really having the time, as when home I need to try and do all the things I normally do but in a shorter time I was feeling more and more that I needed to really get one in. So what to do in a foreign city with no car? So I decide I would visit the Cathedral in Seattle, not like UK ones that are tourist attractions, but at least it would more than probably be open and I could be quiet. Also if that did not work out there was a park close by. I decided to walk there (very British, not at all American!) which in itself was interesting, walking through different parts of Seattle, some a bit run down contrast with the last road with larger houses although not millionaire (or anything like), it was a contrast.

I spent a great time in the Cathedral, reading, praying, listening to worship, as well as a couple of talks. Both from New Wine 2007 (yes we really have been going that long!), the first "Consider the Poor" by David Ruis, and it reminded me of where my heart is on this journey I have been on for the last 6 years, which start around that time. I love Street Pastoring, getting out and meeting those in need. I am involved with our Prison team, although not sure this is where I should be long term, it is for now.

The second talk was "Intimacy with God" by Rev Martin Saxby (no relation to my brother-in-law), and I was struck by how far I had come in the last 6 years. When I originally went to the talk I felt very distant from God, really struggling spiritually, and here I am 6 years on, an what I want more than anything is to spend more time with God :-) I love reading my bible (I can recommend Bible in One Year), I want to have my quiet days, and wish I had time for more. I want to do more for God, although I wish I knew what. In some ways I wish I could afford to give up work and just do things for him.

So having spend most of this week, really not wanting to be here, not sure I really wanted to carry on with my job, I now feel totally different having spent some intimate time with my best friend (God). I didn't want to leave the Cathedral, but as (unusually for a Cathedral) there was going to be a funeral I thought I had better! I feel refreshed and in a much better place. I still don't know what I should be doing for God! but I am happy he has it in hand. I can see he has been working a lot on me for the last 6 years, and also feel that the time is soon, as it feels like the close of a phase. Although I am aware God still has more work to do with me! as Martin Saxby says in his talk (quoting someone else), "God has given you your ministry, not for what you can do for Him, but for what he can do in you"

Tomorrow I am also spending time with God :) I am going to a church with someone I know over here. He used to work with me at Microsoft in the UK, and now works for them in the US. He wife is on a Women's Retreat, so we may also hang out a bit as well.

Spending time with God is great, perhaps I should go away more often, only kidding Karen!

Road to Maturity....

Peter having blogged about his last year (http://pjbrombley.blogspot.co.uk/) I thought I would add my side to his.

Both my children have taught me a lot over the years and it has been a pleasure to see them both grow up. I have no favourite I am especially fond of them both!! But because of Peter’s blog this is mainly about my journey alongside his.

Peter taught me a long time ago that my ambitions for him may not be his. This being Olympic year is a timely reminder of that. When he started rowing was around the same time as they were looking for youth his age as potential Olympians. We used to joke about it, and I think the joke wore a bit thin on him and he did point out that my ambition may not be his. He rowed because he enjoyed it, and not to train x times a week to go to the Olympics.

Why do I mention this, because it was just one step on him becoming his own person. As a parent you want your children to be healthy and happy. You also want them to achieve the things they want to achieve. As a Christian you also want them to have a faith and it to be an essential part of them. I know many of my family and friends whose children may not have done all that. I feel blessed that mine are very much on their way to this, but I don’t take the credit, much is down to others who have helped along the way.

I still remember one of the first times Peter spoke at an evening service. It was the day after one of the youth in his group had died in an accident. I still don’t know how he managed it, I don’t know that I could have. I also remember when he spoke at the evening service before he went off to University. I was very impressed, and thanked Andy (the youth worker at the time) for changing my boy into a man.

So when Peter talked to us at the start of the year that he was thinking of going into ministry I was not totally surprised. He was also showing maturity in that he planned to finish his degree (although not the Masters).

When after Easter he was thinking of giving it all up, you can imagine that initially as a parent I found that hard. But as I said to Peter at the time, I didn’t know if my uneasiness with it was a natural parent reaction or God.  Was he meant to stay in a difficult challenge and lean on God, or step out in faith? I prayed (as did Karen) that if it was right I would have peace about it, and that if not he would have someone in Southampton to give him good guidance. God answered both prayers!! Within days I was at peace about it, and that has not left me, and Graham (his vicar) provided him very wise council.

When Peter got his results, some might want to say his work was too little too late, but I very much feel it was God’s hand. God could just have easily made him pass, or perhaps just fail and need to do some resits, but that was not really an option. The fail was such that it was clear (to me anyway) that this was God’s plan. I felt then and still do at peace with it, which given the other stresses in my life at the moment is very surprising.

God is even working on the plans for Peter for the coming year, in how to pay for his house etc. Not that I should be surprised by this.

To me Peter has been very mature about this along the way. Seeking God; seeking guidance from wise people; knuckling down to some hard work etc. To me he appears to be mature beyond his years. God is really leading his life, what more could a parent want. Well I had been hoping that he would become a rich engineer and keep me in my retirement!!

I have used the name Peter not PJ deliberately. God even had a hand on the naming of our children. Peter means “rock” and as it says in Matthew 16v18 “And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it”.

As I said at the beginning, I don’t have favourites. I have also seen Sarah grow in maturity to a wonderful adult, but that is another story. Sarah means “princess”, anyone know how I can introduce her to Prince Harry? :P Although I have a feeling she may be more Elizabeth “God’s Promise”.

Thank you Lord

Those were my first thoughts this morning.

Yes yesterday wasn't the day I wanted it to be. I did try and follow Karen's advice (FROG) and to an extent it worked. Lunchtime I felt like giving up, everthing had gone wrong. I even text Karen to say please pray. I did though spend the 30 minutes lunch break, listening to worship music and talking to God. By the time I went back in I was much calmer, and yes I still didn't pass, it's not the end of the world, and I also listened to worship music most of the afternoon whilst completing what I could of the lab. God was with me, and given my first thought this morning was "Thank you Lord" says I am really in the best place.

I also thanked him this morning for my wonderful wife. I don't know how she puts up with me. Odd phone calls at the end of the written exam and then again last night (for me, early morning for her) when I got back from the meal/drinking session with the rest of the class!

Now just about packed and ready to come home, for which I can also thank the Lord :)

Kicking myself

I failed the qualification lab :(

I am kicking myself, I spent almost 4 hours on the first part (of 5). I ended up down a rat hole, not sure why things wheren't working, eventually spotted it. In all this meant I ran out of time. I was over half way through part 4 by the finish, and everything else went relatively smoothly. Yes there were problems to solve etc., but not things I felt I couldn't handle, or got particularly stuck on.

Overall only 3 people passed the qual lab, out of the 14 of us. People get stuck in different places. Rumour is that Thomas (another consultant in MS I know, who has taught part of the course, he is an expert on one of the areas) also got into the same rat hole, he was retaking his qualification lab this week, and passed, which does help a bit.

Most people came unstuck somewhere, just shows how tough it is.

At least I can look forward to coming home and seeing my family :)

1 down 1 to go

Well somehow I managed to pass the written exam today. It was a lot lot tougher than I expected, which is perhaps a good thing as I really had to rely on God. 4 hours 80 questions and I only just finished in the time. Normally on these things I finish with plenty of time to spare. I felt utterly exhausted afterwards. I hope Karen forgives me fot the quick non-sensical (I think that's a word) phone call I gave her immediately afterwards. I just wanted to share with her that I had passed, but everyone was coming out trying to find out who had passed and failed, so it might have been a bit odd from her end. Only 7 out of the 14 of us passed. Fortunately that includes Tim who is sharing the apartment.

Had a quick(ish) lunch, and then went to a  gigantic electrial store (Fry's) with a few others. Really just something to do to try and chill out. Back to the apartment for a bit of TV time and then out for an evening meal. The qualification lab (8 hours!!) is tomorrow and there is really not any revision to be done for it, so it is just trying to stay calm, get to bed at a reasonable hour - No I will not be staying up to watch England :(

Lessons over

I can't believe the time has gone. We have reached the end of classes and labs, and not just study and exams left. Tomorrow is a full study day, I will go into the classroom like everyone else so I can access the labs to check things out I am unsure of etc. As with last time, I know it will be just as intense as any other day. I am sure we will also do some group study, which can also help.

I am still worried by the exam and qualification lab. I am sure deep down that I know it somewhere, but can I remember it. I have been going over some of my notes this evening, and it is surprising how much just from last week I had "forgotten". When I say forgotten, I new it really, I just had forgotten that we had even covered it.

Please pray for me (and the others here) that we will remember all that we have learnt. My exam is 9am-1pm (PST, that is 8 hours behind the UK) on Friday, and then the qualification lab starts at 8am-4:30pm on Saturday (8 hours plus a 30min break for lunch).

On a separate note, the sad passing of Steve Jobs. I know Microsoft and Apple are seen as great rivals, but there is actually a lot of respect for each other (unlike some other competitors). Competition is a good thing as it helps drive innovation, and for all there may be things I don't like about the way Apple do some things they have been great at innovation. Steve Jobs was key to that success and he will be sorely missed.

It must be getting easier??

either that or the beer/wine is helping!!

Sunday was another tiring day. Did webcam to Karen/Sarah first thing, it was good to be able to see them. Then it was studying for the first part of the morning, then a quick food shop to stock up for the week, before lunch and then more studying in the afternoon. Went in to the classroom late afternoon to meet up with others and do some lab study. Breaking up the day and different study methods helps.

Went out for a quick chinese (and 1 beer) and then watch a little TV before hitting the sack.

At the Chinese we got fortune cookies. Mine said something like "you will succeed at something that another has failed at", the obvious though around the table (there were 3 of us) was that this meant I would pass the exam. Now here is the deep thought for the day. Given that I don't beleive in luck/fortune telling etc. does this mean that I will pass or fail. If I pass is it down to the fortune cookie, and if I fail is it because I don't believe in them? - answers on a postcard please :P

Today was again lectures and labs, although not quite as deep as last week, or it may be that as it was scripting, which is something I have been doing for the last few months I found it easy. Home for tea and then more studying. I am now on my second glass of wine!!

I am still worried about the exam and qualification lab. I am sure I most probably know it, but will I remember it, so prayers please.

End of second week!

I'm not sure if being the end of the second week is good or bad. I am still not sure I know enough to pass the exam :(

Early finish on Thursday was nice, but it left Friday a bit of a squeeze and today we had a practice exam and then the second half of the migration lab. I am now very tired, although as tommorrow is a day off (ha! ha!) a group of us went out to eat. It now means I still have to catch up with my revision/write ups.

Being very tired also meant no chance of trying to watch the England game, although having scanned the news reports, perhaps that was the best thing.

Tomorrow is a day off, but in fact means study/revision. Most of us plan to get together mid afternoon to do some group work after doing individual study in the morning. Next week is a slightly different week, 3 days of sessions/labs then Thursday is revision day, Firday is exam day (4 hour exam in the morning), Friday afternoon is recovery time before Saturday which is an 8 hour qualification lab. Then retire to a pub to celebrate or drown our sorrows.

I am now just very tired and missing home, but only a week to go.

Early finish!!!

Well sort of.
5pm finished in the classroom, but still had to write up notes/revise. It makes up for yesterday, which was another long day (hence no blog). It does mean I should get some well needed relaxing time later this evening.

I am starting to think I might actual know things again!
It is a strange experience, coming here as an "expert", then realising that you know "nothing" and then learning loads, and realising that you might be an "expert" again.

I am feeling better about the prospect of the exam and qualification lab at the end of next week. I will still need to do loads of revision, but I am starting to feel I might actual know what I need to know. Whether will be able to remember enough to pass is another matter.

Now the big question is can I find a way to watch the England game tomorrow night. (that will be Saturday morning for the UK).

Mango :)

The latest version of Window Phone (codename Mango) has downloaded and installed on my phone :)

For some reason I had some spare time tonight as I thought I had copied the slide decks for today to my laptop, but when I went to look at them to write up my notes they weren't there :( It now means double work tomorrow night. It did mean though that I got to play a little with the update :)

How can time pass so quickly?

Another full on day. The longest (in the classroom) so far. Doug (the instructor) was brilliant, but where did all the time go? We had presentations/discussions for the first part, until 3pm and then went into lab time. Suddenly Doug says it 7pm does anyone need any help before he goes!! I was well into the "extra" tasks by then, but still didn't finish until 8pm.
If was a very clever lab, complex enough without being over complex and also in such a way to keep some things easy. For me it was an area I know well, so I found the lab fairly easy. In fact I spent some time helping out the person next to me.

Then home and time to eat, before revision, was great as I suddenly had a eueka moment, and now I know how to work out Erlangs !! For those not into how voice works (well all the people reading this really) it is a measure of voice traffic that allows you to work out how many phone lines you need.

On the subject of food, I have been staying "relatively" healthy, except today in the canteen I had "junk" food as the queue for the sandwich bar (deli) was very long. For tea it was curry, as I said relatively healthy. We have been doing meat and cook in sauce, pasta/rice type stuff, or meat and veg etc. I would like to know though where you can get Naan bread in the US, as they don't seem to do it in the shops we have been in. We have adapted what they call soft taco, which is like we have as fajita, but Naan and popadoms are no where to be seen (I don't count popodoms which are just Pringle type crisps!!).

A day off ????

Well today was meant to be a day off, and in some ways it was. I did a bit of studying this morning and then went out for lunch, did some shopping, watch some NFL and then a bit more studying. By 5pm I was feeling really tired!! so went and had a lie down for an hour. For those that know me, you will know this is unusual. Some more NFL, evening meal and now watching some TV.
So as a "day off" it has not been too bad, a combination of some studying and some relaxing. but given there is 2 more weeks of this I will be exhausted by the end. I also had a good chat with Karen on the phone this morning, which was a great way to start the day :)

so much in 24 hours!!

I managed to watch the rugby last night, an no not on the porn (pay to view) channel. I rigged up a proxy to the UK so I could watch it on ITV player. (not sure how much spam I will get from the registration, but I used one of my junk email addresses so not to worried). Great game, England playing at last. It meant though I didn't get to bed until 1am :( I really didn't want to get up this morning.

Morning start with a practice test, and that didn't go too well. My only consolation is that was true for others, and also a fair bit was on stuff we plan to cover next week.

We then spent the rest of the day on a migration and merger lab. Basically speding lots of time implementing and fixing things. Very time consuming, and I managed to get to roughly where I wanted to be. (we complete the lab next Saturday). Didn't finish until 8pm though :(

A few of us decided as there is no class tomorrow to go out for a meal rather than eating in. Good idea, we really need some time to relax. Not sure what we are doing tomorrow, but I suspect it will be a combination of revision and some time out.

So the first week is basically over. It has been full on and tiring all week as I expected. I am worried about the test and qualification lab at the end as not many people pass both first time :( but I am coping with the pase.

I have missed not being there for the bible reading, although having the odd facebook update from Anne during the "night" stint has been fun. I like the pictures of the cupcakes Sarah made, again sad not to be there. That being said overall I am fairly happy with how things are going.

Sunny :)

Today was very sunny, not a cloud in the sky :-)

Microsoft had their Company Meeting, which meant all the cafeteria's were closed. Good job Adrian arranged lunch for us.

The pace of the training is ok. We are on to the first part of the Migration Lab (all day tommorrow and also next Saturday!!). I have managed to catch up on writing up my notes as I skipped doing it last night. I had 2 beers last night :)

It was a bit of an odd day, as for some reason I was hit by the fact it would have been my sister Linda's birthday. She died back in 97, I don't know why it hit me, maybe just missing home. Also a good reason to have 2 beers. Feeling much better today.

The big question of the day is will I be able to watch England tonight. Not sure it is on free to view here in the US :(

more of the same....

Not much to say about today. Another long day with great content, very heavy on the brain.
Had sausage, beans and mash US style for tea :)

Now to write up notes for the day. I am feeling that the pace is ok, although not much time for anything else. I only hope that I will remember everything come the exam.

My Brain Hurts

It is only day 2, and already my brain hurts!! Even having done this before I had forgotten how intense it can be. All good stuff though. I now have 24 revision cards written, just from the first 2 days at this rate I will be revising over 200 cards for the exam.

Exams are slightly different to last time. Previously we had an exam each week and a final qualification lab, now it is one exam at the end and the qualification lab. I am not sure if this is better or not. It may mean I get a bit of time on Sunday as there won't be the presure of the exam. The theory of doing it this way is that you will really know it, rather than relying on cramming/short term memory.

Slept fairly well last night, woke once, but then slept till 5am again and dozed until 6. I have not been feeling particularly tired during the day (not feeling like I am almost nodding off), just normal strain from the intensity of the learning.

I had forgotten how long a day could be...

The long days have started. 8am to 7pm and yes we didn't finish until 7 :-(
Today was relatively light as the morning was all the usual intro stuff.
Good news was I slept well last night, from 11pm to 5am and then dozed until 6, so not much jet lag, but I am sure it will catch up with me at some point over the next few days.

Tim (who I am sharing the appartment with) and I are trying to eat relatively health, so went shopping for food. Spag bol for tea and yes I did add the Brombley magic ingredient :-) It will mainly be meat and cook in sauce type stuff so it is quick to prepare, but better than something and chips.

A long day

I am not sure why I decided I would do the "hop" and not fly direct. Big difference in cost and I felt it was the "right thing to do". Well, I am here in rainy Seattle. I spend all of 2 hours in Canada, which consisted of get off plane, pick up luggage, go through Canadian immigration, carry (or wheel) bag to US pre-flight immigration (means I didn't have to do it in Seattle), drop pack, go to gate, get on plane.

I am now at the appartment I am staying in, and have met Tim who is sharing the appartment with me. He seems ok (for an Aussie!!). Time to get some shut eye before the long days start tomorrow.

America here I come (again!!)

I started this blog when I had to go to America a couple of years ago for some intensive training (Microsoft Certified Masters). I have since then blogged occasionally. Well I am going back to the USA again for the same type of intensive training so I thought I'd better blog again so my family know how I am.

As Karen knows, I am really not looking forward to going, as last time my dad was dieing, and I even thought he might die whilst I was in the US. My mum is still in a nursing home and who knows how long she will last, but all this is playing on my mind. I have just re-read some of my posts from last time, and it reminds me of not only how little time I will have, but also how good God is, and how he looked after me last time.